Sports

* I play sports... No, I don't. What the fuck?

* I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

* Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several...simultaneously with two other guys... that look exactly like me.

* I wish I could play Little League now, I'd kick some fucking ass. I'd be way better than before.Who'd back up now!

* Your curveball won't curve. Because you're twelve.

* The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

* I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy once. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "There is no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.

* You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no?"

* Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fuckin' foot."

* One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

* You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "Bull shit, lemme see the inside of your lip!"

Opinions

* An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

* Women always go to the restroom in pairs, something I do not understand. Maybe they want to have a race because one of them is always sad when they come back.

* Two-in-one is a bullshit term, because one is not big enough to hold two. That's why two was created. If it were two-in-one it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and shit...

* It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

Foods & Beverages

* Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

* The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that it was tough times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one....and every one on the bottom row!"

* All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in shit. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "You got Big Macs?" "Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets."

* Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef.

* On a traffic light, green means "go" and yellow means "yield," but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on," yellow means "go ahead," and red means "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

* Popsicles are for summertime.

* I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks."

* I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

* I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

* I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

* I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again." Apparently I was in a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

* If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

* That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

* You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn off the cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch." Then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."

* I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.

* I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

* They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"

* I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.

* I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

* I like baked potatoes, man. I don't have a microwave oven; it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done... who knows? I'll throw a potato in and go on vacation.

* I can't wait 'til this set is over, 'cuz I've got a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!

* I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide."

* Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".

* I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that", you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fuckin' bully, man. Let me at least have a piece."

* The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate. Kit Kat has come up with a clever chocolate saving-technique. I'm gonna go down to the Kit Kat factory, and say "Hey, you owe me some letters."

* Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright.

* They won't let you have drinks back there. I like a Jack & Coke. One time, I saw a Jack & Coke and it had a lime floating in it, and I thought, "That's good to know." Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'll be water skiing without a life jacket and people will be like "What the hell?" and I'll pull out a lime. I'll pull out a lemon too, saved by the buoyancy of citrus!

* I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!"

* A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.

* I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey: man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. I used to draw you. (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."

* I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

* You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

* I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend," so I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

* What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to open shit.

* My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said, "No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."

* Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

* I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

* Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

* I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

* In Kilkenny Ireland, they don't have anything American over there, it's very cool. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop. That was the one thing they had American, and that became the American Embassy to me. I would go out into a bar and piss off an Irish dude and have him chase me into a Subway. I said, "Dude, I'm sorry, but you're out of your jurisdiction. But you can have a cold cut combo to go."

* I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, that is free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"

* I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are correct."

* I find that duck's opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let it. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But, they could have like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kickass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!

* As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first but at the end you're fucking sick of them.

* My friend came up to me and he said, "Hey you know what I like? Mashed potatoes." And I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. (laughs) If you are going to quiz me you must put a pause in there."

* They say Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!

* I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery... "We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort."

* I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

* I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."

* I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment."

* I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."

* This guy told me he liked cherries and i kept waiting for him to say tomatoes until i realized he meant cherries just.

Mitch and Other People

* One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you do that? Let me see that camera."

* I like the FedEx guy, 'cause he is a drug dealer and he don't even know it! And he is always on time.

* Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

* I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? "Don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under 'D', for doughnut."

* It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

* Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

* I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a lady who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

* Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

* I mumble a lot offstage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me. He’ll say, "What?" So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, "That tree is far away!"

* My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

* Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too."

* Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker, this thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."

* My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

* I wrote a letter to my dad — I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really". But I still wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad."

* I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? Zipp. "Fuck you."

* I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

* I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one."

* I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.

* I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "excuse me" he said "get the hell out of my way," so I said "Go to hell," and I ran away. He caught up to me, he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eybrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3-earings. He said "Hey man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey man, you have a lot of... cranium accessories." (crowd laughs) You guys are a smart crowd, when I do the dumber crowds, I have to say "Hey man, you have a lot of shit on your head!"

* If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

* My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'yeah.'"

* I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

* I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

* I went to a friend's house, he said, "You have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity, got me again. You know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.

* I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said, "No, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight. If it's nine, fuck it, bag em' up!"

* I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

* I was walking by a drycleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

* When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... then, help 'em!

* I was on the Craig Kilborne show, and the next day I was at the airport, and a guy turns to me and says, "Dude, I saw you on TV last night", but he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed the fact that I was, indeed, on television. So I turned my head away, for about a minute, then I turned back and said "Dude, I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago... and you were good."

* I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."

* If you can convince an American that they are in Canada, you can get more money for a magazine.

* I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!"

* Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify. ... (to audience member) ...what, you don't get that one? Neither do I; I don't know why I do it. I just have this thing in me that won't let me drop it.

* I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit." Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was, "Man, this guy is a survivor." If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car, we're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it."

* There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"

Gambling

* My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck, seven! Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least."

* I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

* I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the fuckin' sound of my addiction.

* Russians take shit too far. Roulette is fun and all, but no, those Russians had to take it one step further. How do you come up with a game like that anyways? Whatever they do, they do it with intensity. Who was in space first? I rest my case.

About Myself

* My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

* Last time I called Shotgun we had rented a limo.... I fucked up

* This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum

* I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, you people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401. No you're NOT! Jump out of the window, you will die EARLIER!

* I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

* This shirt is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.

* I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

* I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it, he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

* I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit. I said, "how about some celery? You fuckers don't farm, besides, if I ripped your legs off, you would look like snowmen."

* I wish I were a locksmith. I'd be pimping that shit out. I'd be all like, "Hey, I'll trade you a free key duplication for--"[laughs] ...That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good, cause it doesn't have an ending.

* ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

* I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that the map will not fall down.

* I rent a lot of cars, you know, 'cause I go on the road. I rent cars and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I drive, like, for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the "emergency brake." It's really not an "emergency brake", it's an "emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever."

* I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was so damn literal.

* I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

* I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar..." I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit!...That's actually kinda gross.

* (After replugging in his microphone) I hate puzzles

* I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

* I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

* I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.

* I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say "can I help you sir" and I'll say "Just practicing"

* Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here — you throw this away."

* I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.

* I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

* I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I prop my feet up here? I need to go to the bathroom. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? You need to take a right. Man, you really like Tide ..."

* I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you...it is to your exact specifications...I think I can hook your lady friend up too....When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin bed wonderin' where my brother was...

* I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

* I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

* I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.

* I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

* I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly ...

* I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

* I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly ...

* I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-22222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."

* I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

* Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, "shit... oh ya, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular"

* I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere ..."

* I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day.

* My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you...feed you a leaf."

* See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

* I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,".............. so it died.

* I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? 'Cuz that's the maximum amount of time that you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. After 30 seconds, you would see the kid saying, "What do I do now? Should I pass the ball to Jimmy? Or put on some goggles and look at his feet?"

* As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WEEEEE!!!!" That's what you say when you're having fun — you refer to yourself and some other people.

* I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No." "Cool, cause you know me."

* I bought a two bedroom house, but isn't it my choice how many bedrooms there are? This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people watching TV. This bedroom is A.K.A. the hallway. This bedroom's in that guy's house. Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Are you aware? Don't decorate it.

* My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?

* My snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

* Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. "You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show", but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store" and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

* I was on That 70's Show, and I put it on my acting resume. Before that my acting resume was sparse, it was all bullshit. If I'm playing pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition, I acted like I didn't care.

* I got into comedy to do comedy which is weird, I know. But when you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say "Alright you're a standup comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script." They want me to do things that's related to comedy but not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said "Alright you're a cook... can you farm?"

* I live in New York, and I got a roommate to save money, but see, I fucked up, cause I'm 31 and I'm too old for a roommate. I signed a year lease too, I fucked up severely, it's as though I wrote a bad joke and now I gotta tell it for a year.

* I got a new car with satellite radio. After about thirty minutes I had to ask myself, "shit, what should I buy?"

* (to Howard Stern) there's a reason you can say anything you want on satellite radio, because nobody's listening!

* I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, and you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

* I like to close my eyes onstage, cuz i have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids...

* I had a coldsore, and I put carmex on it cuz carmex is supposed to heal coldsores. I dunno if it does , but it will make them shiny and more noticeable, maybe Carmex will make a cold sore highlighter or a cold sore arrow.

* I fuckin hate arrows man, its like "fuck you im not going that way .... line... with two thirds.. of a triangle at the end, could you imagine being killed by a bow an arrow? an arrow killed you that would suck, they would never solve the crime, "hey look at that dead guy.... lets go that way"

* I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxzema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail!

* (At a comedy festival) This is my favourite place to perform - in a big room full with people. I was here 3 years ago, and I thought I did pretty well - everybody was laughin' and having a good time. But then, they didn't bring me back for 3 years. So tonight, I'm gonna try to suck. Maybe that'll bring me back next year...

* If anyone would like to talk to me after the show, I'll be... fuckin'... surprised. I need to add a liner note to that joke. "At this point in the joke, he points to the back." That way the people on the CD get the full experience.

* [Mitch] Can you smoke in Minnesota clubs? [From crowd] YOU can! [Mitch] Who the fuck am I? Mitch Hedberg..That's right.

* To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"

* I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

* I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Like if I'm at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhhh... Itsaboys."

* Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

* See I'm a dreamer, man, and when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot.

Animals

* Is a Hippopotamus a Hip Opotamus? Or just a really cool Opotamus?

* I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

* Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

* Koala bears. They're so fuckin cute, why do they gotta live so fuckin far away from me. We should ship some of them over. And I will apprehend one. And hold him. And pet him on the back of his head.

Stupid Stuff

* I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

* A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

* I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human, I do not feel like a tree."

* People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

* I dressed up for the CD .


* In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackey the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog ...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world.

* I'd like to talk about the differences between bears and frogs -- I know it's cliche. Like if there's a frog around I don't have to hang my fucking sandwiches from a branch, he knows they are for me. He'd rather have a fly, cause a fly zig-zags while my sandwich does not... unless I go like this [waves hand around]... If I want some honey on some toast I don't have to squeeze a plastic frog.

* Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus" ... one of those two doesn't sound right.

* I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

* When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.

* I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. [crowd is silent] ..Because they're grouper fish....

* Relax guys, don't boo Chicago it's just a city. Look, I'm sorry if some girl there screwed you over or an elevator took you to the wrong floor, I can't control that shit.

* Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.

* My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk -- it's more like the step I didn't see.

* Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns...

* I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us...or they just thought we were "okay". Most Death Metal bands have dark names like "Obituary"..."Mortuary"..."Rigor Mortis". We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured". And later we changed it to "A Capella" as we were walkin' out of the "Pawn Shop."

* It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

* Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

* In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of...a sticker.

* I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

* If you asked my sister Wendy if she thought I was weird, she'd say, "Yeah." But thats bullshit 'cause she's weird, cause she like has a family and a family picture on their VCR where they're all looking slightly to the left. Like something over there happened, and made everybody happy. But my sister's cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right the fuck on.


* I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead.

When the Joke Didn't Work

* Alright ... that joke was ridiculous.

* I'm gonna fix that joke... I'm gonna take all the words out and put new ones in it. That joke will be fixed.

* That's a dumb joke man. Fuck. Who do I think I am, open mic on a CD recording.

* Any joke that doesn't work, Chuck wrote for me.

* Kinda weak, man... alright

* That was a very long joke, and the funny part happened a long time ago.

* That's not a full joke right there. That's filler....

* As soon as we press stop, you can be angry

* That joke is in the preliminary stages. It will be funny later.

* That joke is going on the special features of the DVD... because shit's always funnier when it's on a DVD.

When the Audience Didn't Work

* Fuck you, that was funny.
* That joke's better than you acted.
* All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
* I love people with a distinctive laugh...'cause now I know exactly when you're not laughin'. Oh, 'Distinctive laugh' didn't think that joke was funny.
* Maybe they can add some laughs to that joke.

When the Audience Worked

* That laugh will be duplicated and placed after jokes that didn't work, I'm gonna use you [laughs]. I'm gonna make a whole cd of unfunny jokes, and then add your laughs to it. on loop ... and then list you individually on the CD: "These people don't like funny jokes" ... or "They like ..." fuck.

* I think you like me better now, I should do my show over again. *repeats first part of the first joke told in the special* heh.. Mitch Hedberg's 90 minute special.

* You people will laugh at shit that's funny and won't laugh at shit that's not funny... you're fuckin' accurate.

If I repeated any of the quotes, I'm sorry.

Gimme a break, man, i'm only human!

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